Better Off Than With the Likes of Me

Image thanks to quotehd.com

Image thanks to quotehd.com

By now I realized why I had been out of synch whenever I tried to speak to Pug about what was making her so unhappy and the issues that had soured our “love.” But no matter how often I tried, it was fruitless as she would not respond to me, or anyone else, about what it was I had done so wrong to embitter her. Even to this day it is a mystery to me. I did continue, however, to mentally seek to know the hidden side of the things that had suddenly spoiled our lives. I began blaming it on her love of putería, or whoring which I tended to forget in my naivete.

Later I would develop an aversion tactic towards her trying to avoid hurting us both. This included her whole family, even her uncle Albert, my friend, whom I feared had taken her side in this craziness. At one time “Pug and Juni” had been one of Colon’s items and everyone, including Albert admired our supposed love. I really tried to make our relationship grow despite my naivete but we inevitably reached the point of disliking each other intensely.

Unfortunately for me, I guess, our sullied relationship had made me rediscover how much I liked having babies around me. Even though I, upon reaching Bocas Town, had immediately looked for the opportunity to be away from them both, I had come to think of them both as one unit. Whenever I slept over at the ranch I would start to miss my baby boy, the one I’d registered as my son at the Corregiduria in Baseline. I had done that to impress on Pug and everybody who knew us that I bore her no hatred. In fact, this act alone had prevented me from leaving her all together to get some peace.

Like I said before, I began formulating my own lying plans, thinking that it would be a way to make a clean and total sweep. By now my father, who’d been away in the United States more than eleven years. His silence in not writing to us or contacting us in any way marked him as a man who had abandoned his children. At least, that is how I felt. But, I turned over in my mind how I would use the figure of my recalcitrant father in the States to free me from this relationship gone bad.

I continued to do back breaking work just to forget my constant suspicions towards Pug and our continual ill will towards each other. I worked like a slave- blindly and intensely to keep her and the child in comfort. I would often remember the first time I met her and would compare my pathetic present with that ephemeral past and sigh. I could never forget how her mother, at our first meeting,had berated her, and it led me to ponder. I started distancing myself from her whole family from then. Although I had provided for her and her aunt, handing over most of my slave wages then before the birth of our baby while I worked in Baseline, I had received hatred in return for my good heart.

Her family had turned against me. Her mother, in fact, as I observed her weaving in and out of our lives, acted as though her daughter was now, separated from me, the kind of woman she envisioned, a whore who lived by her own ¨whits;¨ yes, much like herself. I exonerated myself from any fault in this whole matter as Pug was taking the path that her mother and aunts had pointed her in and she was better off than with the likes of me.

This story continues.

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